Okay, back to the conversations from yesterday.

Drinking – the problem is not that some of my friends are trying to get me to drink. The problem really lies in that I am in a depressive state of mind and sometimes I think why not? Why not just give in to the temptation and just get sticking drunk? I have other friends who also had the same inclination to not drink and they have changed their minds. Why can’t I change my mind? It’s like I forget the reasons I chose not to drink in the first place.

I guess part of what bothers me is the feeling that I don’t even know who I am right now. I sometimes feel like I have forgotten who I was and in doing so, I don’t know who I am, or even, who I want to be. I look in the mirror and I see what I have become on the outside. That doesn’t tend to always make me happy because what I see in the mirror is not quite what I see when I think of me. But even more disturbing is when I look in the mirror and I don’t see whom I have become inside. I don’t recognize the soul looking back at me. There’s a big part of me that just wants to spend my time finding out who I am, but energy-wise, I don’t feel like I can devote myself to that ‘lofty’ goal. Another part of me keeps asking ‘for goodness sake, how long is this journey going to take? Haven’t we spent enough time on this?’

So yeah, that’s when that lovely green-eye sin comes out as it looks around me and sees those I have surrounded myself with. And while I know I am not the only one having the internal turmoil, I certainly feel sometimes that despite all the work I have done, that I am only at the start of the journey rather than somewhere in the middle. And the green-eyed sin laughs and points out all that everyone else has or is and what I am not.

Alrighty then. I just needed to finish that thought. It has been haunting my brain since this morning.

Oh and I am glad I missed the ‘debate’ yesterday between the 4 main parties (since when is the wildrose or what ever that ultra conservative party is called become a ‘main’ party – I certainly didn’t see a green party representative on that stage). What a load of name-calling, playground antic, and pathetic blame game that was. It certainly didn’t seem to provide an idea of what the parties actually stood for, but rather was just a playground to get in each other’s face. Supposedly helmet head (the head of the ultra conservative party) made an impression by not participating in the schoolyard antics very much.

And for a musical interlude, here’s the song that keeps playing in my head lately… From Smallville, Canceling Christmas this Year – Michelle Featherstone



And because milady reminded me how much I miss Charlie (Dominic) in Lost

We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance

And following along the Japanese theme (the above is a Japanese proverb), I don’t know how many of my friends watch Ellen, but she introduced her fans to the following video and it is the funniest game show. Have a watch and be amazed by the feats the Japanese go to for entertainment.



In other news, if you have been eagerly awaiting my next post, I broke down and did the unthinkable (well to me anyway). I reformatted my computer so that I could get rid of the shite that had been gathering on it for quite a while. I have been resistant to doing this, despite the whole ‘clean slate’ thing and it was A LOT of work to get prepped and yet after all of that, I still managed to agree to reformat before realizing that I had forgotten to write down all of my email addresses. So if you are one of my wonderful friends who occasionally corresponded with me via email, please feel free to drop me an email hello so I can reestablish my contact list. Sighhhh. Of course, it also means that I need to do all of my windows updates… again. Currently there are 91 updates being installed while I type this. That sucks! However, the computer looks so different now. It’s not a new computer, not a new operating program and some of my basic programs have been installed, but it just looks different. It is amazing how you can get so used to looking at the same thing.

Aside – the cat is absolutely driving me nuts tonight. I have no idea what is in her bonnet, but goodness is she talkative tonight. Why does she always see the need to fill the silence when I am enjoying it? Arghhhh!

Back to the computer – the best thing that happened with the reformat (aside from ‘clean slate’) is that I snagged more ram. Yeah! Everything runs soooooo much better with more ram. (whoohoo! 12 installed, only several more to go.)

Neat event happened this past Monday. D and I took it off to go for our Valentine’s dinner and we stopped by Ikea – get this, we walked out, having spent less than $10. I know, what the?!? I too was amazed. In fact, I am still amazed. Mind you, I still have to measure the window and if the measurements are good (I don’t think they are going to be, but I am hopeful), then there is a $50 item we want. But still, that’s less than $100. Still amazing.

Bad news for all my friends, tonight I officially finished eating all of the peanut butter squares that were in the freezer. They are all gone. Good news – I think I have most of the fixins to make some more. Heehee.

I want to thank the Hat for seeing my plea and inviting me to dinner this week. It was most appreciative and as always, I had a wonderful time with you. I’m sorry the rumor wasn’t true, thereby not making your night even more enjoyable… Heehee.

Whoohoo – 54 installed. Over 50% done!

I have been thinking… (a dangerous past time… I know.) My depressive tendencies have been quite active lately, much to my dismay. And I know a lot of it stems from that green-eyed sin that I think after lust, really is my downfall. I know there is so much good in my life and yet, a part of me is rebelling against myself, using everyone else as a measuring stick to base myself against. It’s wrong, it’s stupid and yet, I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like I am missing out on so much because of beliefs I have decided to follow. For example – I don’t drink. If I can’t have a good time being sober, then why bother? Do I want to view the event through the illusion of a drink or twelve? Most of the time, I have quite a bit of fun without drinking. I am pretty good at going with the flow with a lot of stuff and while I won’t say I am not without inhibitions, I can say that sometimes, I can be A LOT of fun. Lately, it seems a few people are on that ‘alcohol would make you a funner person’ kick. It’s like my not drinking bothers them and so despite my beliefs, they get rather adamant that I have a drink or that I try a drink or that someday, I just gosh darn it drink. Am I really not that fun anymore? Or is there something at the events that is holding me back from having fun? Ahhh, that is the question now, isn’t it?

Wait, have to restart computer… again, and again, and again… Why did I choose to reformat again? Are we done yet? Nope. Restart, restart, restart… wait – can it be? Yeah! There are no more updates to do as of today. Whoohoo! Let the dancing begin!

Okay, back to writing… let’s leave the self-evaluation for another time. It’s time for my election theories… duh, duh, duhhhhhhh… okay, I have none. I have looked at the candidates in my ward. I actually have four, though I only found out about the Green Party candidate on BT this morning and I am pretty sure she is known by friends of mine and I promised last time I would never vote for her. If I hadn’t promised then, I would have promised this year, cause what a pathetic summary she gave. In fact, I have to wonder about the Green Party – do they not help their party members at all with talking in public?!? They shouldn’t all sound like some doufus off the street. And I certainly didn’t appreciate her answer of “the Green party can’t be summarized in a couple of statements, you need to go to greenparty.ca.” No honey, the truth is you can’t summarize it because you have NO idea what you are representing. The unfortunate bit was that the NDP person could not appear this morning and so I have NO idea what he stands for or what he looks like. I have only received info from the incumbent (a Liberal) and I got a call from someone who works for the PC candidate. Nothing from Green party and nothing from NDP. However, because this election is as lame as it ever is, I already know whom I am voting for as I am voting by party. I believe I ended up voting the same way last provincial election because again, the individual choices were not exactly stellar. So while I would love to give you a wonderful rant about the politics agoin’ on, I am afraid I can’t. There is just nothing exciting happening. Sighhhh.

Good news – the reformatting has caused the top line of my blog to be in English again!!! Yeah!

Thanks J for recognizing my depths of despair and commiserating with me. Most appreciative.

So I will leave you with this thought:

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
Robert Brault

I need the voice of a good friend

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Whether you are spending it alone or with someone, I hope you enjoy the love that surrounds everyone. I personally have spent it alone. Would I have chosen that? Tough to say - I am exhausted and not having to cook or get prepared to go out was nice. Being quite alone after several nights of alone time was not so good. Being able to get caught up on things after 3 days of being away for work was good. Missing out on a cuddle pile is not so great. But it is what it is. 1.5 hours and it will be Friday. That is one day until Saturday when I look forward to sleeping in as long as I can before getting out of bed and getting some stuff done. My hope - no more shovelling.

Word of the day - Crotch-trolling. It actually is a term for fishing for pike. I can think of several other definitions that are much more fun. Heehee.

Happy Bunny says today - I love everybody, even you stupid idiots. Isn't happy bunny so appropriate?

Anyway, there are a few things I could tell you, but I am bloody exhausted. So please enjoy your day. I will return with much longer posts sometime soon. (and of course, I should say something about this ridiculous provincial election we have coming in a couple weeks, I suppose.) Soon, I will return soon.

Does this clutter make my butt look fat?

Peter Walsh’s new book title makes me laugh. Oh, you know I will buy/borrow it. I am all about getting rid of the clutter. Well, I am all about the reading about getting rid of the clutter. The actual implementation? Well, that is another story. I go through spurts and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but there is just so much of it and sometimes, it is so hard to get rid of that ‘what if I need it’ mentality. Or the ‘I spent so much money’ on it thoughts creep in and suddenly, I am stuck with a larger pile of keep than get rid of. According to Peter’s new book, my clutter is a large part of the reason my life is not going the way I want it to. Not that my life is bad, please don’t think that. I just have some areas that I am not satisfied with. Things I wish were better. Things I need to kick my ass about to get active about them.

On a different note, animal lovers, please do not hate me for another moving site about animals, but it is such a poignant blog that I had to share.

I had planned to write more, but it’s been a quiet week. I am working through some things right now that just need me to do stuff. Plus, I remembered after all my chores that I needed to cook supper tonight because the ingredients needed to be used up. I didn’t eat it for supper, now it is for tomorrow’s supper, because tonight’s supper was leftover homemade vegetable soup and goodness was it divine! I sometimes amaze myself with what I am able to create in the kitchen. Imagine if I actual had some training.

Whew – let’s not go crazy there. However, right now I sit with two loads of laundry done, dishwasher cleaned and emptied, dishes done and put away, garbage collected and outside, recycling done and outside, and the kitchen clean. It has been a productive night. Guess I deserve to go to bed early and get some sleep.

Tomorrow is the last day of work before the weekend. Hopefully, it is not like the rest of the week where I worked really hard in the morning, and then after lunch I was so not interested in doing much work. I mainly tinkered with things and cleaned up my emails. The joy of working on projects is that ‘hurry up and wait’ attitude. You can only do what you can until the next person provides you with more information. Sighhh.

So I am off, hope everyone has a wonderful night and a restful sleep. And remember today is Chinese New Years so you have another chance to start the year right. Best wishes.

What am I thinking?

Why do mothers have to be so darn irritating? And goodness, please, don’t let me turn completely into her. I love my mother with all my heart, I really do. And maybe part of the problem is that I have chosen to delve into that which is me and I see that she appears to be mostly disconnected with herself. But for goodness sake, I just want to shake the woman until she wakes up and gets a grip. She is unhappy and rather than do something about it, she is grumpy with everyone around her. According to the Bro (cause she wasn’t talking to me today), she is upset with work. Again. I don’t know about you, but after several jobs in a row that are personality conflicts or overwhelming workloads, would you not take a look at what jobs you are taking or what your contribution is to these situations? Perhaps instead of jumping from job to job, take some time to determine what you want and are looking for and then search specifically for that. It seems the older she gets, the worse things get. If she weren’t family, I probably would have forced her to listen to me and if that didn’t work, then I would have removed the negativity from my life. But she is family and I do love her and I just wish…she would find something that makes her happy (work, life, otherwise). I can see this leading into a big fight because I am really finding my patience tested by her. The sad thing is, as much as I don’t want to become my mother, I can already see myself reacting like she did with her mother. Doesn’t that say something? Sighhhh.

Lost – sorry ndie, I watched it (but I didn’t erase it) and goodness, did it make my heart break as it was the first show following Charlie’s death at the end of last season (and if you hadn’t made it up that far in Lost – sorry, but it’s been 8 months). Poor Hurley and poor Claire. And goodness, do I miss Charlie. But it is very interesting storyline that they have chosen to follow and I am looking forward to the next 7 shows that they managed to get done before the writer’s strike. I won’t tell you more because I know some people might not have caught up with the show yet. After all, if not for my not being able to resist on Friday, I might not have seen it yet either. It was good though.

Dave made a great point on his Facebook yesterday – since when is –22 temperate? Since it’s the warmest it’s been all week and since there is no windchill. Heehee. This week has been Frigid! I was very happy Friday as I walked outside that the sun was shining and there was little wind because it was almost warm in my winter clothes. I even didn’t put on my leg warmers. Ooooh! And I almost have the whole back yard shoveled. Finally.

Anyway, I have clothes to put away, so I should get on that. Maybe start thinking about supper. Maybe – heehee.

PS - Can anyone tell me why Blogger has decided that I cannot have english at the top of my webpage for the login section? At least I kinda understand Spanish, so it was a bit easier today, but I think last time it was German. Very odd and when I got to the main login page there wasn't even an option for English. Sighhh.