2020: Memory Lane

I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made Replaying fights – Finneas ‘I Lost a Friend’

It is the common refrain from most people – 2020 was a tough year. In some aspects, it was a good year. The first 2.5 months were not bad and maybe they just seem better because of the rest of the year. We had plans of getting more active and exploring our city. We were on track for paying off our mortgage. We had semi-regular gatherings with friends. Sure I had my second root canal in February. And then I was going through testing because my doctor was worried about my kidneys. D’s grandmother was not doing well. Maybe I just felt like I still had the mental capacity to be able to handle those stresses. 

 My root canal was still healing in October, but my dentist wasn’t worried as he said it could take a year to fully heal. My kidneys are fine, but my liver is not doing as well. Supposedly I’m one of the select people who gets the rare side effect of being on the pill for so long - adenomas on my liver. So off the pill asap. As a bonus, my last migraine was July and [knock on wood] I haven’t had one since. Was my body trying to tell me something for the last few years? Like so many people, I put on the covid 15 – which has not done any wonders on my psyche. Amazing how having no commute means you also have no steps and limited movement. 

Sadly D’s grandmother passed away. My parents have had off and on medical issues, but so far, so good. D’s mom is recovering - from her last cancer bout which was followed by pneumonia. We have had a few friends who have gotten covid, but so far, everyone seems to be recovering. One person got it twice. 

We never got to explore our city more and certainly gatherings with friends dropped. There was a period before the numbers starting hiking where D was gaming with some friends fairly regularly. That has stopped. D also got to go to Calgary for gaming a couple times in fall. That has also stopped. Meanwhile, I’ve done a couple whirlwind trips of dropping off care packages for a few work friends. We had a couple outdoor gatherings for work – one in July and one in August. A couple times we dropped by to see Ndie and make sure he was doing well. I’ve continued to see my parents every couple months and I’ve seen my brother and his family twice this year. But honestly, I don’t generally get to see my friends. My birthday was even on a Saturday this year – perfect for my gaming night – except that was a no go. I’ve been trying to do random reach outs to friends both to keep myself sane and to check on people. It’s been harder now that winter is here. At least during the summer, we could do socially distanced catch ups outside or I could run into the neighbors. Now - there are no gatherings or chats with the neighbor over the fence. I did have a conversation with one neighbor when we were both shovelling. I don’t generally go outside and goodness knows I can tell the difference – usually the cold doesn’t bother me – I walk home from work normally – so I’m used to the cold and dressing for it. Now I feel like I’m from Vancouver where -4 is just so frigid. Ugh! 

Work continues – still overwhelming and stressful – and yet with moments of happiness and recognition and success. The mortgage is paid off. The big trip we were planning is hanging by a thread – it’s not for another year, but the question is will we want to travel then? So many things can change between now and then. I just don’t feel excited about it right now. There are renovations to do around the house, but do I want to do them? Do I want people in my house? 

And so much sadness.

You're so blue Are you still breathing? Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning Do you think I've gone blind? I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine" – Finneas ‘Break My heart Again’

I’ve had to cut back watching news – it’s just too much watching the world collapse, governments making plans based on how the health care system will react rather than on what would be best to get this pandemic under control. And don’t get me started on the provincial government. I said it before he was elected that he would destroy my province and it is like he is so determined to prove that he will. Doug Ford often appears to be doing a better job. At least, his comments would suggest he sees people as people and not commodities. I can only do what little I can to keep my little spot in the world from being in the depths of despair.

You need a pick me up? I'll be there in twenty five I like to push my luck So take my hand, let's take a drive I've been livin' in the future Hopin' I might see you sooner I want you, riding shotgun I knew when I got one right – Finneas ‘Let’s Fall in love for the Night’

I am so missing deep, in-depth, tmi type conversations. You know those ones where you’ve touched on all the surface stuff and now you are getting to the truth, the thoughts, the ideas, the fears and hopes. I miss flirty conversations, where you make each other feel special, where you can feel the sparkle in your eye and you get that smile that hints at the possibilities. I miss touching – hugs, caresses, those little touches that show you are listening and you understand. You know it is bad when your dreams are about having those in-depth conversations, of getting to know someone better, of learning something new about someone, or realizing something new about yourself.  

And that’s what is really going through my mind as the year ends. It was a year of good and bad, ups and downs. I have it better than some and yet that doesn’t exempt me from the fears, worries, and sadness.