Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

And then I woke and it was today and now I wish it was yesterday… let me start with… WTF Universe? I thought we had a good talk on Saturday. I aired my concerns; I said I would learn from the past. What’s up with cascade effect? You weren’t supposed to increase my worries and fears. You weren’t supposed to make me feel like I am losing more friends.

So we are at an impasse, Universe. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am supposed to learn now. I’ve reached out to the ones I care about. I’ve cried a thousand tears and more. I’ve tormented myself with unspoken words. I am not good at giving up friends, especially ones I like and respect.

What a way to make the start of my birthday week suck royal.

Oh – yeah – it’s my birthday coming up. Yay. It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to. Why is it that we celebrate D’s b-day and it’s fun and eventful? Then my b-day comes and it seems to want to suck. I know it’s the start of winter and the weather is usually shitty and it’s dark and moody. I just want to enjoy my birthday. I want to bask in the fact that I am a good person who gets to eat cake – calorie free during this time. I want to drown my sorrows in a vat of KFC gravy… okay – ewwww – that just made me feel queasy. Sighhhh… I miss KFC gravy. WHY!!!! Why did my taste buds have to learn the taste of quality foods not full of grease, preservatives, and calories? Why?!??! I miss KFC gravy and Coke Classic slushes and Taco Bell and mmm… Chinese food. Thank goodness fave co-worker gets me sea salt caramels for my b-day each year. Love them!!! I can eat those slowly. I like to savour them, to let them roll around on my taste buds as you tantalize with salt and sweet and creamy. Guess what I got today! More caramels!!!! I have already savoured two of them.

My kitty is curled up so cute in my office blanket. Her ears twitch every time she hears me move. I bet she is warm – I love that blanket. Got it from a friend as a present. Usually it keeps me warm, but she keeps stealing it.

Yep – I know - I am all over the place today. It’s because I am tired and lonely. I need to stop focusing on that. My colleague who is leaving my unit soon was ever so nice today as were the other two in my unit. I should focus on that. Even though I was tired and mopey today, there are good people who I interact with. The bus driver was wonderfully nice and wished me a good night as I left the bus. Two gentlemen who I was walking behind moved to the side so I could pass. The lady at the Bay who sold me my (gorgeous) new wreath took extra time to ensure it would travel nicely in a bag. A colleague who I helped solve a computer problem today was ever so grateful. That is what I should focus on. I can’t control what others do, but I can appreciate the ones who were nice to me today. That I can do.

So beautiful to look at, so easy to annoy.

Ahhh, Happy Bunny – you make me smile when all I feel are tears.


So – more enlightenment thinking – I was cleaning my emails in my sent box today and I noticed a trend that I guess I was being an ostrich about. It has been a couple years now that I have felt like I am putting a lot of effort into certain relationships and I am not getting the equal effort back. In light of all that is happening, this says to me that certain people have been trying to release my friendship and I have been neglectful in that I haven’t acknowledge that they want out. Why should I hold on to a friendship if I seem to be the one who wants it? Why should I try and try and feel like I am doing something wrong, when all along, they were just telling me I should just stop trying? And it’s not like I haven’t had qualms about this relationship. I have felt myself changing from my authentic self whenever I am around these people. I feel like they aren’t open to who I really am. So why do I feel like I don’t want to let this friendship go?


I guess part of me is afraid that by letting this friendship go, I will be losing other friendships. That is will be like the great scandal of a decade ago where one specific person chose to break the group and goodness forbid you tried to maintain friendships. Suddenly, I wasn’t invited to parties or gatherings. I was left on the wayside, trying to puzzle what the heck had happened.


And now it is happening again. So I ask the universe – WTF? What didn’t I learn last time that I need to go through this again? Yes, I acknowledge that my supposed friends’ opinions matter to me. I know they shouldn’t have as much sway as they do, but I live in a society where I am supposed to care what others think. Maybe it is that I am supposed to learn not to depend on certain people to see other friends. Maybe I am not supposed to use common gathering events to catch up with people and I should just step back and start talking to people individually. Maybe I am supposed to figure out that trying to expand my life experiences by being friends with people who have different interests is not the thing to do. Or maybe I am not supposed to learn anything. Maybe this is just one of those events where the other people are jerks and I just have to accept that.


Goodness – I am tired of thinking. I am tired of trying to be all things to everyone. I am tired of trying. Yes, I am an introvert, but seriously – that doesn’t mean I need to spend all of my time alone. Maybe it’s just the birthday month blues. I always tend to reevaluate things just before spring and then around my birthday. It just feels so hard this year – so personal and things really hurt more than usual. I can’t change other people. I know this; I try to accept it. I can only change my reaction, but goodness, that is easier said than done. I have been in a real funk this week. It just seems like so much is changing around me. I feel pressured to keep up, to change, and to be something other than I am. I feel overwhelmed at work and so lonely at home. I was supposed to go shopping today and I haven’t left the house today because I have just been doing odds and ends and thinking.


I want changes to happen. I have plans in my head. I visualize what I want. But then I don’t do it. I want to be excited about Christmas, but there is a part of me that thinks why bother? I want to be excited about my birthday, but I keep dwelling on the how part it was to decide who to share it with. Because I do want to share this with my friends. I want to be involved with life and other people. But I also want to be involved with people who want to be with me. You know? Why should I bother with friendships where it doesn’t feel like the other person(s) want to be there? I guess I still wish people would be honest with each other. Not harshly honest, but if you are having a problem with someone, then open up and discuss it. If you don’t want someone to be involved in your life, then say you don’t and say why. If I have been friends with someone for more than 5 years, then I feel like there had to be some reason why we have been friends for so long. There had to be some interests, something that drew that friendship together. But then I guess that is the point of that one chain email that goes around – some people are in your lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. I wish the universe had a nicer of way of letting you know who was who.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Anyway, again, I have dwelled long on personal thoughts. I haven’t discussed any of the other recent events. Like the US election (yeah – Obama!), the feeling I got seeing the rollercoaster in the water due to Sandy (why did this affect me so much?), the passing of a good friend’s pet (very, very sad), the medical issues of several friends’ families (scary, sad, reminds me that mortality is right there), what I learned in Scotland (D and I can actually travel together, I can be spontaneous, I have learned to sleep even when the room is not pitch black, I am in better shape than thought but not where I want to be yet), and so much more.


But alas, it is dark in my room (sun is setting) and my laundry has stopped so on to the next load. Probably should start thinking about supper soon too.

You had my heart inside of your hands but you played it…

Life has been chaotic, unsettling, boring, depressing, interesting, lonely, stressful, stunning, fun, busy, and nostalgic. I have been working on so many things in my head that I swear I am starting to go crazy. So many changes this year – some were expected, some completely surprising. Some are welcomed, but others are a whole lot of WTF. I have been at a few gatherings this year and several of us have noticed how there is a core group that still hang out. Despite being not the close with some of these people, we still manage to meet up every so often, catch up, have some fun, and enjoy each other’s company. And yet I have people who I had considered to be best friends, who are now avoiding me. Not completely, but enough to be noticeable and hurtful. And I don’t know what it relates to – did I do something, say something, not do something? When we are together, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong, but there is just this underlying feeling and then outside of these times, there is no effort to involve me in their lives. Now we all go through self-absorbed times, but even at my worst, I still like to think I have tried to connect with my friends. I have had so many conversations in my head with these people and while I have picked up the phone, there is a part of me that would rather bury my head in the sand. As long as I don’t say it out loud, then it’s not true, right? Of course, that also means not knowing if I can improve something, fix something, etc. Sighhhh… Honestly, I love that I went to Scotland this year. I learned tons, I had fun, I travelled and got out of my element. But since I got back, it feels like I was gone for years instead of three weeks. Like everyone went on about their lives and are happier that I am not in it. Yep – today is a slightly morbid, depressing thought day. I think it comes from being sick all week and getting first too much sleep and lately not enough.

And please don’t think this involves all my friends. I have some great friends.

It is just some of the people who are often in my life (or were), that I hung out with most due to interests, locations, etc. seem to have moved on and forget to tell me that I wasn’t included. I feel like the girl waiting for her prom date to show up, except he forgot to say he was taking someone else.

And maybe the weather does not help. With being sick and then the blizzard we had on Wednesday, I feel like I am cooped up with no place to go. The sun sets earlier (stupid time change!) and I feel like I am stuck inside with nothing to do – or maybe, too much to do, but none of it really fun and interactive. Maybe it has to do with missing the trip out of town for work this week, which would have had me spending some time with a colleague I really like who will be leaving our unit soon. Or maybe it has to do with where I moved in the office is just sooooo quiet and we hardly interact with anyone and certainly not with my friends and colleagues who are still where I used to sit. So I hardly see them anymore and I hardly talk to lots of people and so now I am lonely at home and at work. Maybe it has to do with my birthday coming up. This year I want to celebrate it, but I realized how few people would want to celebrate it with me. Maybe it is seeing some people for who they really are and not liking it and not being able to ignore it anymore. Maybe it is that I need some time with my closest friends and feeling shy to reach out. Maybe it is this indecisive, unsettled, unhappy part of me that wants to drown itself in food, but is being denied.

Anyway, I have more to write, when I get out of this lonely, depressed, despondent depths of despair. (That was some nice alliteration.) Perhaps I will be back this weekend again with some exciting news. I have many more things I want to discuss; things not focused on necessarily me and my feeling, but there is some of that as well. Teehee.