2008: Memory Lane

As perhaps is my habit, I find the last few days of the year a great time to get introspective and review what I did, learned, etc. An opportunity to see if I did good or was I just existing?

The home renos being completed by outside contractors is currently done. The stonework on the front is gorgeous, the stucco on the side is almost what I envisioned and the yard is no longer filled with carp. Right now, the view of the front of the house is so stunning with the snow. I love the snow – it is covering how crappy the yard is. It took a lot longer than anticipated. I don’t believe they were actually done until the end of October which is about a year from when they started.

I am a little piqued at my neighbor. He has torn out his front yard and I believe he has extended himself into my property. This might not be a problem ordinarily, but naturally I chose a house near the top of a hill and so with his yard now two feet lower than mine, all I can picture is the side collapsing and my dirt disappearing.

Career-wise, my life has been both good and bad. I have excelled at my job and I love it and I do well at it, but come the New Year and I will be placed elsewhere. Not due to my performance, but rather because like all companies, the people who are most needed are always the ones who get booted first. So this year will be fraught with stress and nerves and new experiences and hopefully, good times. Part of me is really not impressed because the job I am being ‘mapped’ into is one I had turned down to take this one. There was a reason I turned it down. Part of me is also very happy to be escaping the chaos and there is that bit of a Scorpio in me that hopes they find out just how much I did, because I really don’t think they have a clue.

I am really enjoying my activity level. I am still involved in Yoga, though it quit early this year, much to my dismay. I appreciate the flexibility, the lowered blood pressure and the reduction in pain from stress. I am trying to get my steps in, though this weather has sucked the energy out of me. Despite a year of body reshaping (inches lost), I truly have lost only 1 pound if you compare this morning’s weight to last year’s first weigh in on January 5th. So despite a renewed commitment to exercise and eating healthy, it appears my body is working against me. I really want 2009 to be another year of big losses in the weight. I watch Biggest Loser (goodness, I hate that I am addicted to it sometimes) and I see them do it. I know if my full time job was to lose weight, I would lose it quickly too, but I just want to get off my arse and be happy with who I am and what I look like. No, I am mostly happy with who I am, I just need to work at the happy with what I look like part.

I am depressed, as I often have been. I know some of the problems and I am still figuring out the others. I know I need to work on my standards for myself, as they are far too high and too exacting. Often I think how lucky others are that I don’t look to them to match my level of standards I expect from myself. I just need to learn to let go more.

My patience is low, my stress is high, and my need for relaxation/distraction is at an all-time high. Work is a big contributor as is my relationship with friends/family. I am finding it very hard not to take things personally and I am often short, most often with myself. This is contributing to or is a factor of my emotional overload right now and while I need my friends, I find I am often withdrawing to find my center again. I am having a hard time connecting with old friends (time-wise and mentally) and while I want to see them, I find myself often hiding out at home doing ‘domestic’ things. In that, I have been a terrible friend and I apologize profusely; however, I find myself still unable to make that dedicated commitment to see them.

My brother is engaged and currently I am alone in going to the destination wedding. D is unable to take the time. Unless I want to take the SIL (oh please no!) or get a suite with my parents (oh please double no!!), then I need to figure something out. Supposedly the hotel their travel agent is using only quotes by double occupancy and I can’t afford that. On that note, I still don’t feel I know the soon to be addition to the family very well.

My fave coworker has been a god-send. Now, don’t get me wrong, my friends have been great, but the poor fave coworker has listened, has advised, has teased, has laughed with me so much this past year and with work being what it is, it has been absolutely fantastic to have that support and friendship. I only hope I was as helpful to him as he has been to me.

I lost two very good friends to Ontario. My bestest friend S and good friend K both moved (hubbies in the military) and their absence deeply affects me. For me, it is like the first time as an adult I have lost a friend due to their moving away. S was first and she got a highly emotional me to deal with. K was lucky being later in the year as I was much more calm about the move. Rumor has it I might be attending training in February in Ontario and if so, you know I will be on their doorsteps, pulling them out for dessert and much catching up. The funny thing is I know them both very well, having worked with them both, but they don’t really know each other (except through me taking about them to each other) and when they moved, they found houses with a few minutes of each other – hilarious!

3 couples in our group of friends broke up. It has been a very trying year relationship wise. I feel for the couples that broke up. In two of the couples, I have sort of picked a side (one due to her actions and the other because he was always more of a friend to me). The third we have had interactions with her since then, but I don’t really dislike either of them. I am not saying I understand the reasoning behind the breakups, but it is what it is. I can’t remember if the long-distance couple broke up this year or not, though they seemed to have started the wave.

On a good note, my friend N found herself in a relationship with someone who sounds quite nice and loving. I wish her all the best in this relationship, she deserves the love and attention.

There is probably more. But that covers a broad spectrum. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. More importantly, I was hear to be a witness/participant to them and this year can only been more interesting.

Quote for 2008:

Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did. – Sarah Caldwell

I wish you all a fabulous and safe New Year’s. Here’s to more adventures, learning, love, cuddle piles, tears, hugs, smiles, friends, family and fun.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope your holidays are going well. I wish you all safe and timely travel, however close or far it may be. I wish a heart full of warmth and love that overflows. I wish you moments of silence to deal with any sorrows and much noise to celebrate the happiness. I wish you much in the way of gifts, whether you are giving of receiving, whether it’s small or huge, whether it is material or not. The best gifts are always from the heart and it really is the thought that matters – because for a moment, you were most important in that person’s life. Happy Holidays!

Now if you are still in a good mood and not wanting any introspective carp – stop reading, go back to celebrating and ignore my need to purge so I too can enjoy the day.


I know I haven’t written very much the last few months. So much has been going on, but most of it is internal and it just hasn’t quite reached the point of expression. Add to that the stress of work and the stress building as the holiday season fast approached, and I have been rather irritable and moody, trying hard to act that all was well when sometimes, inside all felt like it was falling apart.

So my thoughts this morning are still chaotic and I am warring between trying to stay in a good Christmas-y mood and wanting to download all the thoughts in my head. I try so hard to follow what Darcy Lang taught us about focusing on the 90% positive, but sometimes it feels like the universe is working against me. Yesterday, I got a doozy of a smack from the universe and unfortunately, I was still reeling at the party last night when the universe smacked me again. So forgive me if I seemed off, but sometimes, I just don’t get the point from what the universe keeps throwing in my face. Let’s start with the day’s doozy – I have spoken about this former friend before. We were best of friends and then it became a toxic friendship for me. And it wasn’t the only toxic friendship at the time. I was at a bookstore and inspiration hit that I didn’t need to live with the negativity. I could choose to let things go and so I did. And life got better. But see, the universe keeps throwing this person back into my life. I have given her chances, opened myself to see if she had changed and for a brief moment, hope enters and then she smashes it and I feel like I am dragged back into that bog of misery. I don’t want to deal with that anymore and I shouldn’t need to. So why does this person keep coming back into my life? What is the universe asking of me, because I am tired of trying to figure it out and I am tired of the mental drain that comes from dealing with this person and all the memories associated with her. I try to not say horrible things about her – “she’s a nice person but she is annoying to me.” I try to keep it all about myself and not drag her through the mud. So I ask again – why does she keep coming back into my life? I don’t want to ever trust her again and therefore she could be nothing more than an acquaintance. I don’t want to let her into the sanctity of my life. And I am afraid that with the news I found out, there is a good chance she is entering my life again. So what do I do?

These are some of the thoughts that plague me this morning and I am far too mentally tired to deal with them right now. What I want to do right now is wake D up and start celebrating this holiday. So I am shutting the door on the topic and leaving you for a wonderful breakfast and some holiday fun. Take care.

How about you take a few skill ranks in Kiss My Ass? – Belkar

Sure you can kick my ass, but I am going to say it – I like Britney’s new Circus video. It’s very well done, the girl looks good and the lyrics are not bad. However topping it would be Pink’s new video for Sober. Holy Carp! That video rocks. I didn’t mind the song when I picked up the album, but the video just makes me love the song. Here is the video…

See what I mean – and the scene of her in bed with herself… The psychology behind the video just fascinates me.

And while I am in the mood to just not care… I am an ungrateful wench, so deal with it. The SIL is being her usual self. You know, you give someone a list because they demand it. You know they are not the brightest crayon in the box, so you include websites so they know exactly what you are referring to. They call several times asking for more explanation which you do while trying not to snark. Then why do I get a present that is not what I asked for, in fact, it is something I already have? And to add insult, during the last phone call, she had the nerve to say next year I should provide where to buy the items on the list. I tell you – why don’t I just buy the gift and you can pay me back. Beyotch! See what I mean – I am ungrateful and today, my response is whatever!

At the beginning of the week, I was quite willing to push Little Boss of the nearest building. Thankfully, I got a lot done and since Boss is actually back, Little Boss has backed off. I think I snarked on her a bit at our ‘meeting.’ Seriously, she walks over an interrupts a conversation I was having with fave co-worker and demands I give her an update, which I do. Then she drags me into a meeting where we sit down to go through the stuff. Talk about bureaucratic. Talk about Waste Of My Time. So I believe I told her that I can’t just sit with her and do my job. My job requires me to be able to work alone and take as much space as I need to. So all she really wanted was an update, which I had already given her. Goodness, the first 3 days were such a waste. So much could have been done, if only she had left me alone. Sighhh. The bonus is I got a lot done. My inbox is actually manageable and the people I have been waiting on are actually getting back to me. So I finished the week actually feeling proficient. This week my goal is to get it all done. Get my desk cleared off for the next round. Maybe get a couple days to clear the almost 500 emails from my inbox and file them away. Sighhh.

Alright, enough with Belkar as my muse – I have stuff I need to do - update the cheque book, do dishes, make Udon soup, finish the Christmas cards. This week’s home goals – finish Christmas cards and mail, start Christmas baking, start wrapping (get mailed ones out), decorate and finish catching up on shows.