I am so bloody tired.

I am tired of writing exams, preparing for interviews, trying to get things done while I manage my old job, my new job and all those extra duties in between. I am tired of being in a company where breaking the rules doesn’t hold consequences other than a small tap on the wrist. I am tired of my opinions being supposedly heard, but not respected.

Today is one of those days when I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until morning. I might even be able to do that today. I am that exhausted. However, tomorrow I am doing my first training session at an out of town place and I am dreadfully nervous and feeling rather unprepared. I know my stuff. (I have done enough exams to know that I know my stuff.) I just haven’t delivered it and so I am unsure of how I will do the training and I am feeling insecure. I know I will do well. I just want to do better than well.

This past weekend was BUSY! Friday night was my night alone. I bought a slurpee (didn’t finish half of it though), got a movie and vegged on the couch all night. I got “What the Bleep do we know; down the rabbit hole” the Quantum Edition. This was suggested to me by a dear friend though she did suggest just “What the Bleep do we know”, and not the quantum edition, but since I just missed the other one being rented, I got the Quantum edition. The Quantum edition is the same movie, just longer- there is the director’s cut which brings the movie to 2.5 hours or the 5 hour edition which takes you DEEP into the Rabbit hole. It is a very good movie (though be prepared for scientists) and I recommend people watch it. It is about the infinite possibilities surrounding and what decides a lot about our lives. There are a couple of quotes that I jotted down, cause I thought they were very important for me.

If you can’t control your emotional state, then you must be addicted to it.

To some extent, we are addicted to the feeling of stress running through our bodies and so when things are not stressed, something feels wrong for us and things are disoriented. I understand this and I can apply it to other situations as well.

And the Human Drama – reconnecting to a new concept

If I change my mind, will I change my choices? If I change my choices, will my life change? What can’t I change? What am I addicted to? What will I lose that I am chemically attached to? What person, place, thing, time or event that I am chemically attached to that I don’t want to lose because I may have to experience the chemical withdrawal from it?

The last sentence I thing is related partially to what I am going through. I am worried about what I will lose. It’s like losing weight – I so want to lose the weight, but part of me worries about what I will be like if I do – will I still be me? Will I become bitchy and unhappy because I am stuck in a place where the new thin me doesn’t think I should be? I have seen relationships where one partner loses a lot of weight and the other doesn’t like the new weight or the now thin partner dumps the other because they decide to play the field now that they are thin. I have seen friendships fall apart and though I understand that yes, it could be that the relationship no longer satisfies or grows with the person, I always worry what if (… that is my favorite game after all). So anyway, the point of the movie is to get you to think. I think for that alone it is worth it. Though “What the Bleep do we know” – the regular movie – is less than 2 hours and may be the way to go.

My remaining thought about this movie and my situation is that I am still focused on the How. D said something that I think may be true – we can only take ourselves so far and then we need an ‘observer’ to help us take it further. I think I need an observer to help me, because while I can see things, I can not see the How of things and that keeps me stalemated.

Saturday, I visited Ikea with J and D. It was fun, though far too expensive. Thankfully, I put back a few items.

Sunday was the Social Event of the Season with I&V. It was a lovely evening, with great friends and lots of conversation. Played a couple games of croquet (and if that was any indication of my ability this year, there is no way I am winning this coming weekend at the tournament.) Learned some dance moves and overall had a great time. Had a chance to meet some new people and catch up with some old friends. Too much talk about gaming and certain people were more indelicate than usual.

Quote upon arriving – by B – “Look, I am catching up to you.” - in reference to her loss of hair from the chemo. I have had very thin, fine hair for a number of years and it is growing back thicker every year. So for her to say that, it was just bitchy. Her hair is much worse, understandably, but the question comes – what really does she get out of it? It makes her feel more connected to me? Cause really it just pisses me off, though I was nice enough to let her talk it through and tell me her tales. I feel for B sometimes, but I just wish she would be more positive about things and feel less the need to be catty and bitchy ALL the time. There is a time and place. Every time and everywhere is neither the time nor the place. Be more selective and people will pay more attention.

Anyway, that was the weekend. This week promises to be busy again. Thank goodness for the long weekend coming up. I think I need a day where I can sleep as long as I want with no plans and no timed events. Here is to a early evening.

It's cute how I think you're listening...

I am exhausted! So much is happening at work right now, it is just almost too much and I am soooo sick of doing tests and interviews and all that fun stuff. Today was another interview. I decided to take the bus, because I wasn’t really sure where I could park. I looked up the transit system on line and got it to plan my trip – except the times were wrong. So I missed my transfer and after waiting 7 minutes, I was worried I would end up being late for the interview so I walked 8 blocks downtown to get to my interview. It was hot out today. And 8 blocks can be a really long walk, especially when you are pushing yourself so that you are not late. However it is done. I have no idea how I did. I answered the questions, I did their computer test and then I visited with a friend who is working there. That was fun. She kindly gave me a ride back to Canada Place so I didn’t have to transfer again.

And I am thirsty and starving and besides the snacky food I have had, I really don’t feel like cooking tonight. And D wants food before he goes out to talk about gaming. Sighhh – this is when I, the domestic goddess, wants a harem who will do these odd little things to make my life easier. Don’t you think I deserve one? (blink, blink, blink – big innocent smile) Heehee

Another test on Monday, after the social event of the season and I don’t feel like studying at all. I really am thinking just give me back my old job and then I don’t have to worry about any of this. The only problem is that my position is being slowly demolished. Soon there will be no more of me…Sighhh!

Stuff happening with the Celebration of the Dark Season. Don’t want to discuss now. Though I am totally impressed with my doings. I think I did awesome.

Can you believe I am too tired to rant? Yeah – I don’t believe that either. Heehee. Here my latest thought – I recently received a temporary promotion in which I have several more duties and some of my old ones. Now the point of this promotion was to make equal to all others in the office (other than the supervisor). So I am no longer what I was. I am the same as them and my old position is to be filled with all of us rotating. This has been explained several times over the last several weeks and yet this morning, it was stated again that they understand that I will be doing my old job AND they will be rotating to replace me for the few hours I need to do my additional work. Excuse me?!? I repeated again that I am no long my old position. I got a yeah, yeah, and later heard them talking about how they will be just assisting me, not replacing me. OY! I don’t care that I am 15++ years younger than y’all. I am your equal. Get off your butts and accept it. Cause if you don’t, please remember that I am doing all of these interviews so that I can move up in the world and the more you treat me like I am dirt, the less likely I am to stay.

The positive thing of today is that I have done over 14,000 steps today. And tonight I can relax, cause I did my 10,000. That is nice. Sighhh! I like it when my steps are done before I get home. I don’t have to panic about getting them in. Actually, these last few days, I have done a lot of steps. Which is nice. I hope it translates on Saturday into loss of numbers on the scale. That would be nice.

Queen Victoria forbade knocking, insisting on a gentle scratching. But she did like one sound: [an entry in the Encyclopedia] Britannica mentioned her bustle that played “God Save the Queen” when she sat on it. Sort of a royal whoopee cushion.

My office is really clean, if you look left. Don’t look right, cause the piles threaten to fall each time you stare at them.

One picture on my wall in here is crooked. I would fix it but somehow it is precisely in the middle of everything, thereby not allowing me to reach it. How irritating. Don’t is know it should always lean the other way cause then I will never notice it. Heehee.

I am feeling rather disconnected today. The mind just keeps hoping – I found this. Thought I would share.

So… I should go make food. Maybe my blood sugar is low. Yeah, that’s my excuse. Surrrrrre…

Here’s my rant…

And if you decide to take it personally, that would be of concern to you, because a rant is just a rant… and it means nothing personally to anyone.

I am a hypocrite. I admit - I have double standards. And while most might not know there is a standard, they usually know if they haven’t reached it. But don’t think that the standard is all that high. Nooo. The really high standard, that pedestal I put people on, is reserved…for ME. That’s right. The highest set of standards is demanded and expected of me…by me.

Most of my friends will tell you that I am a fountain of information. And I love to share it. And I have advice up the yin yang. It is good advice. It would better advice if I could follow it myself. I kick my arse every chance I get (and yes, I can reach). I just don’t listen. Or I allow myself to get lost in the fact that I want/need to see all sides before I make a decision.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, you see, I appreciate it when my friends listen to my advice. I don’t expect them to take it, but please, listen. And maybe to someone out there, my advice stinks; it’s bullshit. I don’t know. It may not work for everyone. Totally possible. But I like to think my advice is based on reality. Not necessarily society accepted, but reality nonetheless. So when I hear someone say that they are no longer doing something because of such and such reason and the reason is beyond…I don’t how to describe it other than just… ridiculous. They have other reasons and some of those reasons are feasible. But the main reason is…yeah, just… I hate to use the S word, but the reasons sometimes are just stupid. And then you hear that it was told to them by so-and-so, or by some Dr. somethingsomething. It really peeves me. There is a part of me that stops…immediately… and looks stunned that someone could possibly believe that. It’s like the person who says they can lose weight just by eating hordes of bacon and steak. Sure – perhaps you can – but would you be healthy? Or those that believe that jogging is fun? Sure – maybe – to someone masochistic.

Everyone has their own beliefs and their own measuring system for believability. I just think that before you accept what someone says is Truth, especially when it goes against pretty much everything natural in the world, think. Research. Base the decision on your findings and not what someone suggests out of the blue. Look at all sides and really use your common sense. It’s what I would hope you do when I give advice.

And can someone tell Harper to shut up? I think the Israel and Lebanon war is a horrible thing. But unless there is something we can actually do, don’t pick a side and - just shut up! All I see is him being one of surrounding kids at a school yard fight- just egging on cause he can. Or really, he is egging on, because the ‘cool kid’ (Bush) is there and egging the fight on, and thus he needs to do so too. Great – we helped people leave a war torn country. There are some national security issues happening there, but regardless, we did something productive. But what does he get out of picking sides? I would be peeved to come to Canada after my country is invaded, and hear the leader say that the invaders are right, are justified in what they’re doing. How is anyone justified in killing civilians? In killing people who are just trying to live a life with a little bit of love and happiness? I am sorry, but I can’t buy into that propaganda. How is this different than someone walking into some office and shooting a bunch of people, cause maybe one person did something the shooter didn’t like? Would we say the shooter is justified because he was denied something? I am not saying that Israel didn’t have its reasons. And I am not saying that there are not people in Lebanon that were causing problems. But can Israel honestly say that each person they killed was someone who was directly involved in the situation? Each child, each woman, each man that have now died are someone directly involved in making Israel justified to kill them?

Okay. So that was my rant for now. Those were the things bothering me the most.

Oh, and supposedly someone in my office believes that my resume is too wordy. Yeah – whatever! It has assisted me in getting where I am now. And her suggestion that a resume should only be 1 page – that’s great, if you haven’t had a lot of jobs, or done a lot of different things. I couldn’t imagine my resume being 1 page. What would be on it? Oy! Anyway, that came up because I am helping someone write a resume for a new position. He likes my resume anyway, so we did a combination of a smaller resume and a more complete resume. It looks pretty good.

Nothing else is really happening. I had fresh yellow beans from my garden this week. Yum! So glad my mother suggested planting beans.

I have just been organizing little areas here and there. The office is mostly clean. The living room is tidy – really tidy – but I still want to change it around. The basement is looking good and I do feel better knowing that the sump pump works (and won’t burn down the house).

I should go decide on supper. Making just for me today. Not a clue what to eat. Heehee.

I so purrrrty!

Take the quiz:
What dragon species are you? (Stunning pics)

Shadow Dragon
Dark, evil, you are the evil breed of dragon. You lurk within the shadows of the night and attack with surprise. You prefer to stay alone, solitude is your best friend within your deep, dark cave or den.

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I think I scared the Hat…

Friday I stayed home from work due to the migraine I had had since Tuesday. After Thursday’s fiasco of a math test (and the other 3), Friday had me waking up and feeling not bad until I moved – then I swear the earth actually rolled beneath me and my head woke with a resounding set of hammers. So I managed to crawl downstairs, find the phone and call work to say I was not coming in. Then I crawled back upstairs, downed 2 tylenol and returned to bed after telling D that I was not going to work.

Was that the right thing to do? Yes, cause if I had gone to work, I would have come home in a couple hours probably after reliving my breakfast. However, being me, after sleeping until noon-ish, I got up, watched the end of Resident Evil: Apocalypse while eating breakfast/lunch. Then despite the headache, I started cleaning for D’s party that night. It all started harmlessly – I went downstairs to put a couple of books away in the library and found some suspicious marks on the basement floor, so that lead me to decided that D vacuumed quite poorly and so down came the vacuum which led to me deciding that maybe I would move the furniture around for Halloween now, which led to cleaning the spiderwebs I told you D did a poor job cleaning and I decided to check the sump pump area to see if there were spiderwebs there.

A little back-story here – when the house was purchased, the inspector informed us that the sump pump was broken and we needed to replace it. A year later or so, we bought a replacement and even took it downstairs where it sat for another year or so.

More back-story – for the past year or so, we have been having some odor problems downstairs – not mold (goodness knows after the bathroom fiasco I would know that smell anywhere) – but just an acrid kind of smell – D said it smelled like I had burned a candle recently – which I rarely do downstairs. I febreeze on a regular basis, mainly cause I love the smell – and the air filter machine is down there as well, so while the smell bothered me, I couldn’t find a reason for it and so often just forgot about it until I smelled it again. You see where this is going… right?

So I decide to check the sump pump and pull up the floor where it is located and smoke started creeping out. I open it fully and yes, the motor of the supposedly Broken sump pump is smoking. I quickly unplug the motor and then call D to report my findings. See, here is where we learn Once Again that assumptions are bad – cause silly me, since D was with the inspector when the inspection was done, I assumed that D and the inspector, being smart people, unplugged the machine. Yes - shame on me, cause no, they did not and while I am glad to say that now there are no worries, my house could have burned to the ground. Thank you to the fates above for watching over my silly, assuming head.

Anyway, D came home early and we proceeded to replace the sump pump. However, new sump pump, new regulations, means the plug is a different size and all that stuff. So now we have to chisel the floor to make the hole bigger. Now of course this leads to a discussion about how to do this as D and I rarely agree on how to do things. I conveniently sent D to get some more stuff, while I just did the work and with merely a hammer and a screwdriver I chiseled the hole bigger and we have a beautiful, fully functioning sump pump. Yeah! Yes, I refuse to tell the story of why I am good at chiseling with a hammer and a screwdriver – everyone needs their secrets. And one other point about that is that hammering on the back of a screwdriver in a rather small space does not lend itself in anyway to curing a migraine.

So D and I were running around – okay, truly, I was running around trying to get the house in ‘company’ standard condition and time was passing fast and I wasn’t even ready for me to go out as I had plans for the night as well. I had asked D to take out the garbage to assist me and as is habit for D, 2 bags were taken out and there was one bag left at the back door to go out, despite my request. Now, looking back, I should have just done it and complained later, but I was tired, my head was thumping and we had company in a house, that to me, was not up to standard. So I repeated my request to D who said no, and so I grabbed it to take it out. D grabbed it as well, and I gave my frustrated look and we tussled to see who would win. Of course I did cause I was in the right. But I think our tussling scared a couple of our friends who hadn’t seen us tussle in awhile and thought we were getting abusive. Yeah right, puhlease. Anyway, I made the garbage fit and then I got to go and have a relaxing evening with YaYa where we introduced darhling D to Moulin Rouge.

Saturday, I awoke to just a small thudding in the head, so we went shopping, spent a little bit of money and had A&J over for talking and gaming.

Today, I think the migraine is gone. Goodness I hope so. We did a bunch of little odds and ends around the house and now we’re playing on the computers, wasting some time til supper. I should be working on the Halloween stuff, but I am at a creative standstill on that right now. It is kinda figured out, but not fully, so…maybe later tonight, I will work some more on it.

That is the excitement of my weekend. Been a pretty decent weekend. Got lots done and yet… still so much to do. Heehee.

My head is completely exhausted

In order to get an official promotion in my company, I need to apply for other positions and thus do testing. Today was such a day. And I am soooo exhausted now. It started off so well – there was a knowledge test, testing you on what you knew about the company. Pretty easy. Had tons of time left. Next the mathematics test – what a bunch of BS! 30 questions to be done in 25 minutes. No calculators allowed. You had to hand write things to do them. AND there were percentages, fractions and decimals all mixed together. I am sorry, but while I like to think that I am pretty smart, especially when it comes to math (my fave subject), this test was impossible. There were 3 questions I didn’t answer and 3 that I just filled in some answer just for that 20% chance that I choose correctly. Arghhh! Then lunch. I had met this wonderful person prior to starting the day and we went to lunch together and we just talked. It was weird cause we just clicked. So that was a nice break. Then back to an afternoon of testing though they were nowhere near as exhausting/trying/depressing as that math one. The last test was a 90 minute one and I finished all 50 questions in just under an hour and then went back and rechecked them – good thing too – since I had somehow filled in the wrong circle for one question. Sheesh. So here is hoping that it all works out and get decent scores. I REALLY don’t want to do that all again.

In other news, it is a short week and I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I have a migraine, have had a migraine coming on since Tuesday, but I keep beating it back. Tonight it is not being beaten back all that well, so I hope it goes away after some sleep. I want to have a decent weekend. Not that there is much planned.

Nothing really has happened this week, other than today. I spent the rest of the time studying. All the knowledge that tomorrow will be flushed out of my brain. Thank goodness. Tomorrow is YaYa. That will be nice. All this interesting news to share. Hopefully, I will remember it all. Heehee.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in, make sure you all knew I was still alive.

Oh wait – I just remembered something that happened on the weekend – heehee – sometimes, my youthful exuberance just comes crashing out – milady was taking her sweet time picking out some things at Claire’s, so I was looking around and I came to this whole section devoted to… It’s Happy Bunny!!!!! I was good and I restrained myself from buying so much, though the keyboard stickers would have been cute… I only bought a couple cellphone charms – that’ll I make into earrings or something. And a mood pen – the whole reason I got the pen was for the statement cute, but kind of evil. Heehee. So me.

Okay that is all now. I need to go prep the squares for YaYa.

Did you know?

An eraser is made of rubber, pumice, vegetable oil and sulfur. As D says, this explains why they smell so bad.

Had a wonderful day today. Went to a housewarming for L&M. Lots of people showed - friends, coworkers and family. It was a nice mix and there was lots of interesting conversation and of course lots of food. It was nice to see D&B and family. I haven’t seen D’s other half and family in a long time. I had missed them and it was nice to finally reconnect and see what is up. And of course, see how the kids have grown. I’ve known D for so many years, the kids are like family to me, and sometimes, you just want to know how they are and see them for yourself. And P&B made it as well. B is doing better – she has been quite ill the last little while. It is nice to see her up and she stayed for quite a while considering how tired she still is. Oh and darling L– the recipe is:

My infamous Butterscotch Squares
1 package of butterscotch chips (brand name tastes better and melts faster)
1 package of mini marshmallows (I think 300-400g bag – not fruit flavored- ick!)
1/2 Cup butter/margarine
1 Cup peanut butter (I like crunchy as it adds another texture)
2 Cups Rice Krispies (can be brand name or not – at Christmas, I use the colored ones)

Put chips, peanut butter and margarine into microwave safe bowl. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring at half way mark. When done, remove from microwave, stir again and let cool. It should be cool enough to put your pinky finger in without feeling like you are going to burn it. When cool, add rice krispies and marshmallows and stir. Put in a lightly greased pan (I use a cookie sheet that has sides) and refrigerate for at least a couple of hours.

Also tastes absolutely great frozen (I prefer them frozen as they melt in your mouth – YUM!) Note original recipe calls for 2 cups of marshmallows and 1 cup of rice krispies. However, because of the sweetness of the square, I find my version tastes as great but is not as fattening.

Yesterday was pretty good though everything just seemed to run longer than expected. Went shopping with milady – got some Halloween decorations – gotta love Dollarama. I also hit AMA to get a new Alberta map, as my new position requires me to do some traveling. When I asked if they have maps of the smaller towns like Cold Lake and Vegreville, she said no, but I could probably pick them up from the info booth in those towns. I just shook my head, said thanks and walked away, letting her return to her oh so important reading on the computer (I had so rudely interrupted her by standing at the wait here sign). I mean, really, if I don’t have a map of the town, how do you expect me to find the info booth? And if it is not open when I go, what do I do then? Thank goodness for the Internet. I hopefully should be able to get the maps online. But really – a little service please, especially since I pay a lot to be a member each year.

Anyway, got home a little later than expected only to discover that D had come home early and was waiting. We watched Four Brothers (actually a pretty decent movie) after supper (which I cooked), then went for a walk, then watched Must Love Dogs (also a good movie) and then got ready for bed. And I would have been in bed around 1 at the latest, IF I hadn’t been near the end of my book so I stayed up to finish it. At 2, I rolled into bed (ugh!) and then because I had completely forgotten to make the squares for the housewarming(despite reminding myself like 4 times Saturday), I was awake early knowing I had to make them with enough time to be refrigerated for a while before we went over. Also knowing that I wanted to wash dishes and do recycling and empty the dishwasher and put away my clean clothes. Needless to say, I am exhausted right now and thinking of retiring to bed at 10 pm and I am ever thankful that tomorrow is a holiday. I can sleep in tomorrow too. Yeah! And…I have no immediate chores to do for tomorrow. My kitchen looks wonderful and the place is tidy.

And for my dear YaYas – while it may have sounded like I didn’t understand when we were discussing mental state and cleanliness of the house – I do totally understand. If my house is messy, it is probably because my head is messy. And when I tidy/clean my house, I feel so much better because it is clean. However, you do have to choose sometimes what your priorities are and sometimes, the house just has to get messy, so you can get other things fixed/done/settled. And that is what I was trying to say – or better put

At the worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.” Rose Macaulay

Anyway, I think I will retire to bed. See if I can get some of that much needed sleep. There is so much to do and only so many hours to procrastinate. Heehee.