No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

There is the taste of change in the air. I don’t know how much of this is the feeling of spring coming and how much of it is the feeling that the stars are aligning and there are some big changes coming. In Change Behavior Therapy, I am waffling between the Determination stage and the Action stage. I am visualizing some changes and I can feel things are happening, I just can’t see it all yet.

At work, I am in a few competitions in which I am steadily progressing and I have been offered an opportunity for a short term assignment with another department. It was very despondent just a couple months ago when I was working to help a colleague get an assignment out of our unit when I was her competition and then just after I heard the news that some of the higher ups were against assignments, I found out another colleague in the unit got an assignment with another unit. It makes you stop and really consider things. And I did some soul searching and came around to acceptance that I would find the things that make me happy at work and focus on those. And then I was offered an opportunity. I talked with my manager who did some negotiation, but told me I had to wait until she talked to her higher ups. So I waited. She talked to them on Monday. It’s Thursday and she hasn’t mentioned a thing. Seriously?!? One would think you would let me know how it went. Do I need to start planning how to pack up my stuff? Do I need to deal with disappointment? I’m off for the next few days so I am going to try to focus on other topics, but a part of me is constantly wondering – what is going to happen? What do I need to prioritize?

As much as my colleagues in my much smaller unit annoy me sometimes, I still love my job. I just wish it didn’t feel like everyone depended on me. Like I am the only one who knows abc or does xyz. I mean I was off today and I sent a text to the boss to remind her of something she needs to do in relation to a ‘crisis’ yesterday and I get several questions back.

I was away the other day due to illness and missed a meeting I was supposed to lead, so my colleagues had to. Now they had all the info. I had written up all my parts, we had talked through the plan a couple times. It’s not like they didn’t have an opportunity to prepare, but it’s like they didn’t because *I* would be there. So when I wasn’t, they actually said to our clients a couple times that they didn’t know something or couldn’t do something because I wasn’t there. Even if that’s true (which it shouldn’t be by now because I’ve been training them), you still don’t say that. You say – that’s a great question, let us get back to you with an answer. The confidence our clients have in my other colleagues is not high.

I have a coffee cup that says: she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without her. I thought it was ironic and funny. The sad fact is I wonder how helpless they are without me. How do you share your knowledge with people who don’t want it? How do you move on to another unit/department/whatever without worrying about the state of the unit you are leaving? This is my strength and my weakness. When I left my last branch, I made binders listing out how to do all the things I did. I have 10 years in my current branch. I have so much knowledge that is based on experience. I don’t have a fear of trying things. I may hesitate, but curiosity encourages me to try and so I learn what works and doesn’t. I can’t always explain why I am doing something. So how do I write a binder on that? One of the questions my boss asked me was some process that hasn’t changed in 4 years, at least. Why are they asking me these questions still?

It’s frustrating to me. And then I come home and I’m tired. I spend so much of my energy at work trying to help people and I come home exhausted. I was talking to a friend from work yesterday who asked if I had slowed down. That I had been working really hard and she was worried still that I was burning out. How do you answer that question? Am I being more conscious of what is happening? Yes. Do I try to put down lines in the sand? Yes. Do people respect those? No. Do I feel like I’m stressed? Yeah. Do I know I am helping people? Yes.

I think I annoyed someone yesterday because I refused to give her the easy answer. I wanted her to learn how to look at our tools so she could see where the error was. One of the complaints we had from our clients was that our responses to their enquiries are too long and aren’t the response they want. Right – because many of them want us to solve things or make decisions without them having to do the work. And then they will turn around and say they need more training. Here we are trying to train them on a day to day basis and they don’t want to do the work to learn, but when asked what they need, they always say more training.

What about what I need? What I need is to prioritize me. My hobbies. My health. How do I get rid of this knot in my shoulders? How do I stop having headaches? How do I move into Action stage more often? How do I set boundaries and get myself some space? How do I get it so I’m exercising more? Doing the things that excite me?

I need to pick some pictures from the girls’ retreat I did in summer. I am so critical and yet if I am so unhappy, why didn’t I speak up? I had expectations and never felt like I got to express them, which led to pictures that are just ‘ok’ for the most part. There is one that is better than I imagined. But in the others, there are things done that I just don’t like, so do I pick them and try not to notice the same thing every time I see the picture? What is missing for me from the pictures is the drama… I am an intense person. I know it. I respect it. I own it. These pictures don’t capture that. I feel like they don’t capture my essence. Which makes me wonder then if my friend who took the pictures doesn’t see that in me or doesn’t know how to bring it out or... I don’t know. I don’t think I hide my intensity (I don’t know that I actually can).

I’m learning things though. Like the event with the other woman didn’t cripple me like it might have in the past. I’m proud that I was willing to trust someone new. That when I felt betrayed, I didn’t let it keep me down for as long as it could have. I focused on what I wanted and I was vocal about it. I shared my thoughts on her with all of you because I want to move past it, forgive her and move on. I felt that by keeping it all quiet, I was doing more harm to myself. Goodness knows, if she thinks I’m going to stay quiet about my thoughts, surprise –not going to. I don’t need to tell everyone what happened; it really isn’t everyone’s business. I just don’t need to keep quiet if I don’t want to. Like I said, I am working towards the Action stage, which means things start happening and changing. And some people may not like the changes.

These are some of my constant thoughts. Some of the things I am working through and moving towards. I just feel like this year has some big changes coming and I want to be a part of those changes. So let’s see where this goes.

Dear other woman,

Trust D to find someone who is similar to me back when I was in my twenties. But you are not in your twenties… so there is no excuse for what you’ve done. You call yourself polyamorous, but since when does polyamory mean hiding what you are doing from your significant other and encouraging others to do the same? There is a word for that… it’s called cheating, infidelity, unfaithfulness, adultery. Shall I go on?

What makes it harder I think is that I actually thought you were an interesting person and that we could be friends. I wanted to get to know you and so it hurt more when I discovered what you did. I get the feeling of being lost in the moment and things getting a little heated. But see, I’ve seen your texts. I saw how you acknowledged what you are doing was wrong and I saw you making the decision to do it anyway. I saw you then covering your tracks and encouraging D to do the same. I can’t accept that behavior as lost in the moment - that is not a subconscious, in the moment kind of action. That is consciously planned. And to encourage someone who you know is in a relationship with rules to break those – that is not respect or kindness or decency to yourself or others. Those are not the actions of someone who wants a relationship.

Then you had the nerve to ask us to hide the facts from a friend of ours. I get you wanting to be the first to tell him since he is your significant other, but to then tell D that you were not going to tell your significant other the whole truth. I understand people have different rules for polyamory, but I can’t see a relationship built on a lie being the most stable relationship. Not telling him about all of the events or how long it had been happening makes it seem like you have been actively planning this affair and you are trying to actively hide it. It is certainly not the actions of someone who has determined that they want to live a polyamorous life and are introducing their significant other to this reality. I don’t know what to tell our friend and lucky for you, I haven’t seen him yet. You have put us in the complicated position. We have removed him from our invitations because I just can’t be around you at the moment. And yet *I* felt the guilt of removing him – I’m not sure you were even aware. And then when we all got invited to another friend’s party, you check in with D because you want to make sure I am not feeling awkward about attending. How about awkwardness for D, yourself, your significant other, our friends? Do you think this makes you look like the better person? Do you think this will get you back into D’s bed?

How about you take responsibility for what you did? How about you acknowledge to everyone involved what you actually did and how you actually feel about it? How about you not play the ‘I miss you being my friend’ card? What you did was wrong and there are consequences. You are old enough to know this.

Don’t think I am laying all the blame at your feet. I am aware of what happened and who did what. But this letter is to you. I want you to learn to be a better person and to be honest with yourself, let alone with those in your life. I want you to learn what polyamory is really about and actually decide whether it is for you at this time, rather than using it as an excuse for cheating. I don’t think you approached the affair with the malicious intent to destroy a relationship, but you made decisions that certainly weren’t in anyone’s best interest.

I see so many of my friends who know you and like you. I could have gotten to know you and I think I would have liked you to be a friend. Now, I don’t know if I will ever forget what you did and whether I can ever trust you again. I want to forgive you, though I am not quite there just yet. I’m still dealing with the ramifications of you breaking my trust. It sounds strange to say that since we weren’t friends yet, but I guess I put more of myself into getting to know you than I thought. Sadly, you’re not the first to betray my trust. I am trying hard not to set this up to be distrusting of everyone. I just don’t think I can even start to trust you as long as you are being dishonest to people as well as yourself.

Sincerely,
Me