The sun had plummeted mauvely…

The above is a line from Colin Cotterill’s book Thirty-Three Teeth. A fascinating book that I just recently read. That line stayed with me from the first moment I read it until long after I was done. I still love that line. I wish I could capture a scene that well. I can use all my senses in the phrase, from the taste of it rolling off of my tongue, to the sound of it in my ears, my eyes imagining this sunset to the smell and feel of the air as a sun plummets mauvely. I just love it.

Anyway, this weekend was a great weekend. Friday night, D had a gaming nite, while I went out with J and we just talked. It was great. Then Saturday and Sunday, D and I just hung out. Played some computer, did a few minor chores, watched some shows, talked, ran a few errands and spend some time both together and alone. It was such a wonderfully relaxing weekend. Especially considering that I was sick most of last week and work has just been stress hell. I got a bunch of my filing done – oh my goodness, you should see the office. The floor is cleaned off, you can not only see bare table of my desk, but also large swaths of bare table where my filing stays. The files are organized and labelled. It is seriously so restful being in here, nowt aht it is so clean. Still spots that need to be done, but I don’t have this overwhelming desire to just garbage it all, so it is clean. Whew!

I also read the following quote recently. Very interesting – makes me think and wish that I was at that point with some people. I am working on it.

True forgiveness is when you can say the following to the person who hurt you:
“Thank you for giving me that experience.” - James Arthur Ray

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I was still alive and feeling MUCH better. Wish work was better, but I just need to find something else to relax me so I stop dwelling on it. Filing certainly helped. Would have helped better if I wasn’t filing work stuff, but eh, can’t have it all. Wednesday we will see if I take up drinking. It could be a hellish day.

Oh, and in case you thought I was only exagerating the stress at work, I actually swore in front of the boss and my co-workers. Not something small either, I said the F word. The conversation completely stopped and all eyes looked at me and the big boss said “what did you say?” And it took me a good 30 seconds to figure out what I had said. Most people at work have never heard me swear, so oops! So, yeah, work, very stressful. I love my job, I love my job… Heehee.

Stupid program – making me change over to the new system. I wasn’t ready. Don’t they know that they have to give people time? Should have known when Laurell K Hamilton said they forced her to change, that I would have to follow soon. Sighhh… guess I need to update the system. Sighhhh.

My love runs cold... my memory has just been sold...

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W. Somerset Maugham

It is a common ability of mine that most conversations around me end up to be about sex – whether it is the sex life of me, my friends, acquaintances or even that of Drosophila melanogaster. So of course on Saturday, at B&C’s fondue party, the talk ranged around sex a lot, from a local swingers’ club, to the Dirty Viking, and of course the most desirable trait of mine, my breasts. One of my friends (I won’t use any names or initials – she knows who she is) mentioned that she had a dream in which I asked her about her sex life and she spilled the beans. I thought that was totally awesome. Of course, in real life, she would be very leery of telling me and I would probably not ask her, since she turns quite rouge whenever you remotely mention her and sex in the same sentence, but it tells you of my power. Heehee. It is true though, ask any friend of mine and they will tell you that my presence has often led to what many consider TMI. I, of course, do not think that, since it is part of me to explore and discuss and gather all sorts of information. And while I maybe able to relate any topic to sex (my own version of the six degrees game), I tend not to do that anymore, well, at least out loud. Hee hee.

Saturday ran really long and though I didn’t get to bed until after 2, I was up by 11. Egh! The afternoon was spent ‘discussing’ with D about plans and such, and then gaming. Of course, I woke up to sounding like a husky man, and my throat starting to burn. By that night, I was exhausted, sore and tired of feeling like I couldn’t exhale. Gaming was great, even if my character has turned into a ‘girl!’ I mean seriously, a ranger afraid of a few ghostly lions – Sighhhh. Who knew she was such a scaredy-cat. Makes it very hard to follow my role of protecting the leader if I am constantly hiding up on walls and in corners, trying to avoid these ghosts. Not that I have seen one yet – just the roar seems to send me into shivers. Sighhh. I have a feeling that next game, while my group is all fighting the lich, I will be bravely keeping post at the front of the building.

Afterwards, D and I had a long discussion on the morals of my character. We were about to kill an evil sorceress who suddenly surrendered. Of course, we have a few righteous players who immediately stopped and since I wasn’t in the immediate vicinity, I couldn’t exactly ‘trip and fall, catching myself by plunging the sword into her heart.’ So we took her hostage. I thought I had heard our Favored Soul say that he pumped her with one heal point to stabilize her and then they interrogated her. When she wouldn’t talk, the evil, er, new guy took her into the side room (yes, the leader followed since we really aren’t quite sure about the new guy) and bonked her on the head and tied her up. Now here is the dilemma. I refused to get involved with the hostage taking as I find it abhorrent and goodness knows, they wouldn’t keep us alive if we surrendered. However, I have this…ability that lets me know the status of a character, enemy or ally. So, here I was all - fine, tie her up, who cares, then wham! The new guy hits her and suddenly she is dying. So do I let her die slowly, suffering from all her wounds as well as a blow to the head, or do I put her out of her mercy? Now, the goodie two shoes mentioned after the fact that I could have healed her, stabilized her, except I didn’t think of that (my character is not so much into the healing, more into the avoid getting hurt), so my dilemma was really down to those points. And so, the party, who were not aware of the situation, walked away, leaving a sentient being to die slowly, alone and in pain – the new guy had to have had a clue, but hey, not mine to say. So I chose to creep back in and end her life, just a little quicker and more dignified. I like to think it is an act of compassion, but I was warned that it was on the line of being evil. D and I just discussed how I saw my character and what my thinking was and how I viewed chaotic good. All in all, we both understood each other’s side of things and I am fine for now. D said as long as I don’t do it again and again, but I really can’t see us taking many more hostages anyway (see ‘trip’ tactic above).

Monday was a wonderful day off for me – celebrated Valentine’s Day early. D and I went to see a movie (oh my goodness, we haven’t done that since the last Harry Potter) (thanks Mom for the coupons), then to WEM and dinner at the Spaghetti Factory (thanks bro for encouraging your gf to get those). Dinner was followed with a visit to HMV at WEM (EVIL!!!) where I bought 2 new cd sets – a Complete Eighties set (very odd mix, but very good songs – did you know Kate Bush had a song called Babooshka?) and a Box of Love (full of old love songs)(I had a coupon). I told you the place is EVIL!!!! Then over to my fave store – Chapters, where I did really well in not finding too much, though I did find a book I was looking for - The Women’s Book of Positive Quotations (had gift certificates). Awesome!

Of course, the day progressed in my sickness as well and by the time I went to bed, I was coughing, wheezing, having trouble exhaling and being miserable. After a few hours of sleep, silly me decided to go to work. I won’t even go into the hell that work is right now. I am sure in a few weeks it will be all peachy keen again, but right now, until things are all figured out and such, it is just a pain in the royal behind.

Of course, I am still sick tonight and I am actually thinking that I am going to head to bed right away. I told the boss that if I am worse tomorrow, I will not come in. The boss goes on holidays on Friday and doesn’t want to get sick, so I don’t see any problems with that.

Anyway, that is the excitement of my fun. So instead of doing my wonderful finances (I got stuck vegging in front of Veronica Mars so I am running late in chores tonight), I am going to bed. Curl up in my warm bedding and hope I can find a position rather quickly that doesn’t cause me to wheeze or cough. That would be nice – isn’t it great what we wish for when we are sick? Did I mention that reportedly sex will enhance your immune system? Had to work that in. Hee hee.

My love runs cold... my memory has just been sold...

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W. Somerset Maugham

It is a common ability of mine that most conversations around me end up to be about sex – whether it is the sex life of me, my friends, acquaintances or even that of Drosophila melanogaster. So of course on Saturday, at B&C’s fondue party, the talk ranged around sex a lot, from a local swingers’ club, to the Dirty Viking, and of course the most desirable trait of mine, my breasts. One of my friends (I won’t use any names or initials – she knows who she is) mentioned that she had a dream in which I asked her about her sex life and she spilled the beans. I thought that was totally awesome. Of course, in real life, she would be very leery of telling me and I would probably not ask her, since she turns quite rouge whenever you remotely mention her and sex in the same sentence, but it tells you of my power. Heehee. It is true though, ask any friend of mine and they will tell you that my presence has often led to what many consider TMI. I, of course, do not think that, since it is part of me to explore and discuss and gather all sorts of information. And while I maybe able to relate any topic to sex (my own version of the six degrees game), I tend not to do that anymore, well, at least out loud. Hee hee.

Saturday ran really long and though I didn’t get to bed until after 2, I was up by 11. Egh! The afternoon was spent ‘discussing’ with D about plans and such, and then gaming. Of course, I woke up to sounding like a husky man, and my throat starting to burn. By that night, I was exhausted, sore and tired of feeling like I couldn’t exhale. Gaming was great, even if my character has turned into a ‘girl!’ I mean seriously, a ranger afraid of a few ghostly lions – Sighhhh. Who knew she was such a scaredy-cat. Makes it very hard to follow my role of protecting the leader if I am constantly hiding up on walls and in corners, trying to avoid these ghosts. Not that I have seen one yet – just the roar seems to send me into shivers. Sighhh. I have a feeling that next game, while my group is all fighting the lich, I will be bravely keeping post at the front of the building.

Afterwards, D and I had a long discussion on the morals of my character. We were about to kill an evil sorceress who suddenly surrendered. Of course, we have a few righteous players who immediately stopped and since I wasn’t in the immediate vicinity, I couldn’t exactly ‘trip and fall, catching myself by plunging the sword into her heart.’ So we took her hostage. I thought I had heard our Favored Soul say that he pumped her with one heal point to stabilize her and then they interrogated her. When she wouldn’t talk, the evil, er, new guy took her into the side room (yes, the leader followed since we really aren’t quite sure about the new guy) and bonked her on the head and tied her up. Now here is the dilemma. I refused to get involved with the hostage taking as I find it abhorrent and goodness knows, they wouldn’t keep us alive if we surrendered. However, I have this…ability that lets me know the status of a character, enemy or ally. So, here I was all - fine, tie her up, who cares, then wham! The new guy hits her and suddenly she is dying. So do I let her die slowly, suffering from all her wounds as well as a blow to the head, or do I put her out of her mercy? Now, the goodie two shoes mentioned after the fact that I could have healed her, stabilized her, except I didn’t think of that (my character is not so much into the healing, more into the avoid getting hurt), so my dilemma was really down to those points. And so, the party, who were not aware of the situation, walked away, leaving a sentient being to die slowly, alone and in pain – the new guy had to have had a clue, but hey, not mine to say. So I chose to creep back in and end her life, just a little quicker and more dignified. I like to think it is an act of compassion, but I was warned that it was on the line of being evil. D and I just discussed how I saw my character and what my thinking was and how I viewed chaotic good. All in all, we both understood each other’s side of things and I am fine for now. D said as long as I don’t do it again and again, but I really can’t see us taking many more hostages anyway (see ‘trip’ tactic above).

Monday was a wonderful day off for me – celebrated Valentine’s Day early. D and I went to see a movie (oh my goodness, we haven’t done that since the last Harry Potter) (thanks Mom for the coupons), then to WEM and dinner at the Spaghetti Factory (thanks bro for encouraging your gf to get those). Dinner was followed with a visit to HMV at WEM (EVIL!!!) where I bought 2 new cd sets – a Complete Eighties set (very odd mix, but very good songs – did you know Kate Bush had a song called Babooshka?) and a Box of Love (full of old love songs)(I had a coupon). I told you the place is EVIL!!!! Then over to my fave store – Chapters, where I did really well in not finding too much, though I did find a book I was looking for - The Women’s Book of Positive Quotations (had gift certificates). Awesome!

Of course, the day progressed in my sickness as well and by the time I went to bed, I was coughing, wheezing, having trouble exhaling and being miserable. After a few hours of sleep, silly me decided to go to work. I won’t even go into the hell that work is right now. I am sure in a few weeks it will be all peachy keen again, but right now, until things are all figured out and such, it is just a pain in the royal behind.

Of course, I am still sick tonight and I am actually thinking that I am going to head to bed right away. I told the boss that if I am worse tomorrow, I will not come in. The boss goes on holidays on Friday and doesn’t want to get sick, so I don’t see any problems with that.

Anyway, that is the excitement of my fun. So instead of doing my wonderful finances (I got stuck vegging in front of Veronica Mars so I am running late in chores tonight), I am going to bed. Curl up in my warm bedding and hope I can find a position rather quickly that doesn’t cause me to wheeze or cough. That would be nice – isn’t it great what we wish for when we are sick? Did I mention that reportedly sex will enhance your immune system? Had to work that in. Hee hee.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy

Share with me your pain, your sorrow, your joy.
I will share with you my tears, my laughter.
Share with me your loneliness and I will share with you myself.

So the last several weeks have been spent catching up with friends and family. And it just continues this weekend. So far I have gotten together with my parents, YaYa, S&J, A&J, N, S, J’s birthday, milady’s b-day (though I have to see her to give her present), J&K and tomorrow is Dad’s b-day. Next week is B&C and L's b-day. We have gamed several times, and of course, Nndie has been over several times for show watching. This week looks to be another busy week and hopely the following week will slow a little, but not much cause there is talk of a games nite on the 16.

Shows are great and Lost returns this week, Jericho the week after. Heroes is just as good as it ever was. Even Ghost Whisperer has been good. Smallville has been laugh out loud awesome and Supernatural – wow!

So y’all saw the pics of Daniel Radcliffe, eh? Harry Potter has grown up. Wow! I got to say I was ever impressed with the pics and man, does he look like Elijah Woods eh? It is hard to remember that he is only 17. A few more years and he will be soooo ripe for pickin’.

Work is the usual stressful crap - too much to do, too much to learn, not enough staff, etc. We are getting one more person, but one of our staff is still out for an injury and it is uncertain when she will be returning. They are just adding so many more responsibilities to our positions and there is no relief. My presentation went well for the job I applied for, but they don’t think they will be finished interviews until the end of March, if all goes well. Rumor has it though that a few more opportunities may be coming up and in a position that I really have an interest in, so maybe I can get out of this before I need stress leave. Of course, that just frightens me because I know that the rest of the staff have NO idea what I actually do and that means so much will be left to the side until things start collapsing, though that might be good for them to learn. I do love what I do, for the most part; it just gets frustrating.

Anyway, I should get some work done on a few other projects. My office is starting to look like the pile monster came through. Someday I should go through the piles and organize and file, switch 2006 out and allow 2007 to have room in the file cabinet and such. Someday. Maybe I’ll do play spider solitaire for awhile first… Heehee.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

I am relating to this song today, well, actually the last few weeks. I am really feeling like the world is speeding by and I am not getting a chance to see what is happening, let alone breathe. And I want to be there for my friends, but I am finding it hard to be there for myself. And so much is happening and I just wish I could yell STOP and the world would pause for just a few moments so I can see what is going on and maybe get a chance to react to it without having to react to so much else that is happening.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Work has a new person starting next week, another person from That department that seems to breed horrible, uncaring, selfish people. I am just hoping that she will not be an alpha because we already have an office 90% full of alphas and I am soooo tired of everyone going through the establishing the pecking order again.

Friends are talking about leaving Edmonton again. And not just one, but a few friends. It is nothing concrete yet, and may not even be this year, but my heart feels like it is mourning them already. I don’t know if my friends have any clue how much they mean to me, and I do try to tell them often. I just know that if these people leave, my life will be changed and not for the better. My life will change almost as much as when they first came into my life.

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

So February, as of today, looks like it might not be AS busy as January. I have a few friends that I still want to get together with, sometime, and I really need to have a day for me. It just seems like I can’t keep up and I really don’t know what I am keeping up to. I mean, things are good right now (knock on wood), everyone is doing well for the most part, and yet, it seems that the spring restlessness is starting already. So much I want to do, don’t know when or where or how to prioritize it. I feel like I have no time, but even when I do have time, I am stuck with what to do, or rather what to start with. I want my life to simplify, to slow down. I am tired of running at this pace when I don’t even know why I do it. And it’s not just the instant gratification thing, cause goodness knows, I am not instant gratifying anything right now. I just feel like I have to keep up, like there is some standard that I have to meet and that is… Just. Not. Me. I have never really lived up to society’s standards. I like to feel like I tend to scoff at them, though I know part of my upbringing is to appear to conform. I wear all theses faces for different parts of my life, for different people in my life and I feel like sometimes they are bleeding over. Does anyone know who I really am? I know I have been told before that no one really knows me. So the question arises: Is it because I am hiding the real me? Or do I even know myself?